learning to let go

“if everything is Yours, i’m letting it go. it was never mine to hold.” – audrey assad

i never imagined that one day i would be led to “let go” of my own child.  no, i don’t have human children, but in the mean time, i have two of the cutest pugs you will ever see.

bella, my first daughter, back in october had *we think (are pretty sure)* a stroke that caused her to have seizures.  i suppose now she is dubbed “epileptic.”  after a stay in the emergency room, she was on steroids for a while, and will be on seizure medicines for the rest of her life.  most recently, my wife and i noticed her appetite dropping, severely.  she would turn her nose at ANYTHING.  eggs, cottage cheese, chicken, ground beef, steak, you name it, she didn’t want it.  she lost several pounds (a lot for an 18 pound dog), and got so weak that she would literally fall to the floor if she stood too long.  we had her blood work and a urinalysis done and found out that she is diabetic.  needless to say, we started insulin treatment…even though she hardly ate.  on saturday, january 22nd, we noticed that she looked abnormally weak and could not bear any weight.  if we picked her up, she felt like a rag doll.  terrifying.  we took her to the ER, and on the way, i seriously thought we were going to lose her…my wife later told me that she could feel her body dying as she was holding her in the car ride.  the docs immediately helped her, and come to find out, it was hypoglycemia, or too low blood sugar…because she was getting insulin without food.  i admit i felt a little guilty for giving her the insulin at first, but she needed it because of the ketones in her body that are toxic.  i am quickly learning that diabetes can be a real “catch 22.”  she stayed in the ER the whole weekend until we picked her up on monday morning.  i cannot describe the joy i felt when i saw her on monday.  the doctors had given her IVs with sugar and bla bla that only doctors understand, but she was better…much like the bella i was used to.  after going back to our regular vet and getting her seizure medicine, some nausea medicine, and syringe feeding her baby food, a few hours later she ate.  she ate!!!

little did i know, seeing my dog eat would actually be God revealing His kingdom to me.  it sounds crazy, i get that, but at the time she finally ate, i had learned some valuable lessons in trust…in others and in Him.

you see, where i lack, the Lord makes up for.  and did so prior to any trials with bella’s health.  He knew these things would happen to her, He knew that i would have to be humbled in time to open a hair salon by realizing that bella is not my own but His first, and He knew that nothing i did could make her better.  i had to trust doctors to do what i couldn’t.  but the truth is, i was trusting the Lord who gave them the gifts to take care of my baby.  i can’t explain the helplessness i felt when my dog was in the hospital, out of my care, and in someone else’s.  nobody knows bella better than my wife and me, so how could they POSSIBLY know how to take care of her?  they are doctors, with God-given gifts that helped them become so.  God had His hands on her through the doctors.

i had to radically change my thinking about the way the Lord gives gifts.  why would He only gift the people who follow Him?  it doesn’t make sense to me like it used to.  we are all His children, created in His image.  i personally believe (although i am not sure if it is scriptural, if you know, please tell me!) that God put in each of us a desire to know Him.  whether or not we recognize it for what it is is another story.  but given this desire to know Him, would it not make sense that He would gift us with things as well?  while i was (am) still a sinner, i have gifts, and i am a believer.  what about the sinners that aren’t believers?  these doctors, who i know little about, may or may not follow Christ, but it is their God-given gifts that saved my dog’s life.  yes, her eating was the kingdom of God.

and on top of all this, learning to truly let go of control was the hardest lesson learned…still in the process of learning.  eventually it became my prayer that God would simply hold bella.  too simple of a prayer given my human mind, control, and worry…but God’s sovereignty is so much greater than that…the same sovereignty which led me FINALLY to say “God, i am not asking to see IF you will do it, but BECAUSE you CAN do it.”  so far, He HAS kept my precious bella alive.  He may decide to bring her home earlier than i would want, but even then, His sovereignty is greater, and i would learn something more about His kingdom.  through it all, until the end of her life (which i am hoping is at LEAST 5 years from now) she is a vessel of the blessings, lessons, and surrenders that allow me to see the bigger picture: He is greater, He can do it, and i have to let go.

thanks for reading.

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About tewence

you know me...a sinner straying from the straight and narrow.
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